Wrath of the techno gods!!!! For some reason I have been in technology limbo for the past couple of days. Sunday as I was beginning this blog and uploading the first entry onto the internet my laptop, that I do all my writing, research, and finances on suddenly crashed. I just barely got the text up when bam! The laptop, a Mac Book Pro that I have had for 8 years, which has been my constant companion, has now been in the shop for the past 24 hours awaiting the final verdict. And yesterday I finally received the call from Computer ER to inform me the disc drive was non functioning and the data on it not recoverable. OK so when was the last time I backed the damn thing up…January of last year! My fault! You would think a man who deals with technology for a living should know better! My main work computer I use to do all my image filing and processing on is backed up, by three different sources, in three different locations. One on a 2nd built in hard drive on the same computer, one in the loft on the other side of the studio, and one an external hard drive I can remove and take off site that I keep in a fire safe. So I am not totally a bonehead when it comes to this technology. But this has totally put a damper in my workflow the past couple of days. I feel like I have lost a dear friend who knows all my deepest secrets.
I have set this time aside to begin working on this project, to open my life and begin sharing myself as a photographer of homoerotic art. I now have to question; is there some cosmic force that is trying to stop me, that possibly thinks what I am doing in wrong or immoral? I feel this is the first time I have ever attempted such an endeavor, have planned, noted, journal, and saved money to have this time in particular to focus on myself and my images.
When I began photography, it was simpler. It was about a box that could contain light, a lens that could focus and channel that light, and a strong desire to see how the universe would avail itself to me. I put everything into photography. My days were filled with wonder, observing the world around me. Watching and waiting for the light to change. Recording movement of time, movement of space, becoming familiar with this concept of recording how I saw my world and my connection to it, fitting it all into the constrains of a single frame. I had to develop a relationship with the space and the light and look at it from a lot of angles and possibilities. It was a total exploration. Film (the actual stuff with light sensitive emulsion) was expensive and the processing of it ate up lots of time forcing me to really think about what I wanted to say with as few frames a possible. I used to carry a cardboard frame with my cameras aspect ratio cut into it that I could pull out, hold up and look through and compose my shots before even pulling out my camera. But now, with the age of digital, I can shoot a thousand images of the same subject just to get the one that works into my sensibility of style, weight, and balance. It’s now quite extraordinary to work in such a way. It’s incredible to explore so many possibilities. Now when I bring a model in, I focus on my interaction with my stubject; the camera just becomes an extension of that interaction. It’s almost like the camera isn’t there anymore. The models relax, let themselves become comfortable and secure, and the session always seems to be over just as we are getting started. I love this response. I think it’s what gives my images such a provocative edge. I often shoot for an hour or two and will walk away with 1200 possibilities. My style has definitely developed and is recognizable. I have shot a lot of images for profiles used on Manhunt and though my name is not attached to the image, people often come to me and say, oh you’re working with so and so. To me this is extraordinary.
One of my passions is shooting classic art. A perfect day to me is going to the Metropolitan Museum in New York and shooting the classic Greek and Roman statuary. You may think this sounds kind of static, well it isn’t! You begin to develop a relationship with an inanimate piece of stone. This statue of Ugolino and His Sons by the French sculptor Jean-Baptise Careaux captivated me. At the time I probably spent a good hour trying to capture and understand my relationship between it and my own imagery. Today Ugolino’s expression, waiting in Dante’s ninth circle of hell, captures the essence of my own angst and feeling of my techno blundering and points a middle finger toward the gods who dare to impede or deny my creative quest.
When I was first getting into photography and still shooting on film, I had a young gay man come into my studio whom I wanted to shoot nude. He was very excited by the prospect of seeing what we could create together. His only stipulation was that he did not want any pictures where he would be naked and show his face in the same image. He was okay with doing nude torso images from the neck down or face pictures from the waist up. I agreed and said I would work within those parameters. Hey, I had a live model who was willing to strip down and allow me to light and explore him naked through my photographic process.
It always excites me to begin a new year. I spent a good portion of yesterday doing my annual year-end summary, which I have done since I was a kid. New Year’s morning I like to spend a couple of hours writing several pages about everything I had accomplished through out the course of the previous year. It brings into focus all the amazing accomplishments I have achieved though out the year and reminds me of weakness I would still like to work toward overcoming. Last year was brutal, I began the year engaged in an application process for a job I was absolutely perfect for which would have ensured me a life of security. But mid year, when the job finally opened I was passed over which forced me into a painful introspective look at myself. I began to look outside of myself, which lead to year of amazing new discoveries and getting back in touch with a side of myself I had lost since undergoing treatment for cancer four years earlier. So what started as a painful process became a year to reclaim myself. I am an incredibly talented guy who’s weakness is my inability to promote myself. No one knows about me as I struggling to survive and keep my head above the water. I see it is now time to change all that. My focus and energy this year is going to be about creating a public image of myself as an artist. Yesterday I took the first step by building a Facebook page that will feature my artistry as a photographer, but today’s focus was to create a new self-portrait. It is time I really take a look at who I am at this stage of my life. I find self-portraits the hardest type of image to create. It’s difficult for most of us to look at ourselves and examine who we really are with out being overly critical. The self-portrait isn’t merely a snap shot of ones likeness; it is a mirror of ones ideals, emerging style, and perspective. It needs to capture the essence of how we relate ourselves to our work. It’s far easier to photograph someone else as a subject, because you can see their personalities emerge and draw it out of them, coach them into the best light. But most of us have a hard time seeing who we actually are and therefore want to project what it is we think we want to be or become.
