My day at the Mineral County Fair illuminated the well spring from which my psycho-sensual self has emerged and I could feel the it’s powerful mysterious force on what makes me create and work on my images of the erotic male form. I stepped back into a place in my history before all this began and suddenly felt I had been transported to my youth. As a young high school student in Superior, I had felt a bit baffled by a then growing attraction to persons of my own sex. I really didn’t understand it then, but I knew there was such a powerful draw that was both compelling yet repulsive. In my head it didn’t make sense and I remember an internal struggle that I couldn’t act upon, but also could not ignore. Yesterday wandering around the fair, I carried my camera with me throughout the day and shot everything that triggered a feeling, thought, or emotion. I just literally responded to the environment that surrounded me. I touched a raw nerve of sensuality I have not felt in decades as I explored the people that surrounded me. Then to get back into the corrals and stalls with the cowboys behind the rodeo, I suddenly felt a missing piece of my life was revealed. There is a strong difference between desire and the actual act of sex. For some reason when I finally did have sex with another person, years beyond my days on the cattle ranch and growing up in Superior, something had changed within me. It was almost like the beauty and mystery of what I had searched for disappeared and he innocence of youth disappears. It seemed during that time it took forever to come to terms with the possibility of being gay, though gay was not the termed used, it was more of an innuendo or implication, unspoken, unrecognizable, certainly unapproachable. While at the ranch I had fooled around with other boys from neighboring farms, my curiosity piqued, more of a mutual masturbation, but unsure where or what I could possibly lead. I didn’t know love existed then, and the attraction was more of the excitement of revealing parts of ourselves in such a clandestine way that it was never acknowledged beyond the experience. Yesterday I was surrounded by the lads of my youth, all dressed from those days in my own youth, the farm boys in Wranglers and tattered t-shits, thin farm and ranch boys strutting about bonding with their friends, hanging out, on the cusp of exploring the maturity of their lives, a place where innocence ran abundant, fearless, filled with an exuberant honesty and simplicity. I began to recognize those impulses and feeling wheeling up from deep within myself and, a single moment in time, flooded my mind when I recognized a spark within myself.

We had lived about two houses from the fair grounds when I was in high school. One morning while the fair was in town, I was up before everyone else and wandered down to the fair grounds. I happened upon watching a young cowboy who had spent the night with his horse in an old powder blue Chevy pickup truck, not in very good shape. He had slept in the back of his truck on a bedroll and was just getting up. I watched him pull on his tattered Wranglers over his boxer briefs and pull his boots on without adjusting the pant legs. He hopped out of the truck shirtless and wandered over to the nearby horse watering trough, the morning mist rising off it’s surface, and doused his head and began to wash up his upper body splashing the cold water across his beautiful skin. I stood and watched, spellbound by the remarkable moment; he was completely unaware I was watching. It was in that moment I felt a passion born as I felt my own sexuality awaken. I wished so deeply with all my heart I could somehow preserve this moment for an eternity but know it could only be relived in my mind. I have never told this story, in fact, have not thought of it in years, but I know this was moment I would want to reclaim somehow in my life. I now recognize and actually see this moment in so many of my images and is the basis of everything I do. I now realize that I have spent a lifetime trying to capture this essence of this one elusive moment. Sometimes the things we discredit the most about ourselves become the core of our existence.

Today is dedicated to Kate, and she is probably going to kill me for making a big deal of this. But it was her contribution that helped putting me over the edge. One of the few people in Mineral County who has followed me from the beginning. It was good to see you back in the old hometown. Thanks for your constant support.

I am taking today off and going to go hang with my family at the Mineral County Fair in my old hometown of Superior, Montana. This is kind of a traditional day that I get to spend with my family. There is also a rodeo and I love to photograph rodeos. I am able to get up on the chutes with the cowboys and often get to shoot it from their perspective. I have hundreds and hundreds of images of “back stage” at the rodeo. It is quite possibly one of my favorite things to do. This rodeo is in the evening so it will be a challenge. I am going take my camera with me all day and shoot the entire day.

We are getting very close on the Kickstarter program, 6 days and $275 to go. As the days get closer to the end I can now see it in sight. I am almost there, just a little bit more, so very close I almost smell it. The plans are changing slightly, the person I was going to meet with in Milan had to leave on a sudden business trip so now I am able to spend some time in Berlin instead. This excites me to no end because it is the home of the Bruno Gmunder Publishing Company.They are probably the biggest publisher of my kind of work in the world. I have been trying to make an arrangement to meet someone there.

I probably have the biggest collection of their books possible. It has been the inspiration for what I have been doing since the very beginning so I am really working hard toward that. I have my fingers crossed on this one. Also I don’t speak any German so spending several days in Germany may prove to be more of a challenge. If anyone is following this Project from Berlin and I know there are a few, would you mind helping me out a bit, on suggestions to your city? Email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or you can contact me on Facebook.

Well the dawn is breaking and I going to go put on my well worn Wranglers, dust off my old cowboy boots, pick out one of my favorite buckles, pull my old dusty hat down from the shelf in the top of my closet and get dressed. I am packing up my camera and cowboy gear and heading west to become a part of an old Montana family tradition.

I am going to try to take some time today and bring the focus back to myself. We had rain last night and it has brought a fresh relief to the area. It seems Montana we are the polar opposites of weather. The heat tends be make people crabby and they begin to grumble and I feel that rising within myself. The pressure has finally broken and I need to get back on track. I have some help coming this morning that is going to assist in the process of putting the portfolio together. Hopefully I will finish the final printing today and we will begin mounting everything for the box.

Today’s image is of Lucas in a big office chair. For some reason I totally love this image. I think it was the simplicity and honesty of it. Ian was an amazing kid that, when I first met, absolutely captivated me. He had a gentle nature that just pulled me into his dark brown eyes. It took us about a year to finally come together to create an image and I was not entirely sure what to do with him. I knew it had to be about the grace and comfort of natural light. In fact the first time he walked into my studio and we sat down to talk, I was captivated by the natural light on his skin and began to shoot some snapshots of him naturally. When I looked at them I knew he would be a remarkable subject. The key would be to allow him to be natural and feel natural through out the process. I have access to this old Victorian house that its beautifully decorated with opulent furnishings. I took Ian to this house and we spent an entire day just moving through the house shooting. All the images were amazing. Ian just felt like he belonged in this place. For the most part the house is very dark and for this set or series of images I stopped down the camera to a very fast ISO and shot with the natural afternoon window light. I did not work with a tripod, so I hand held the camera and braced my body to steady the long heavy lenses I prefer to use. My lens of choice is a medium telephoto that tends to compress the subject into the background or environment, but I need more distance to use it and make it happen. The focal length of the lens is essential for shooting good portraits and brings it’s own psychology to the subject. The narrow depth of field and compression of the subject creates the intimate feeling within my images, brings us closer and tighter, so that we as a subject cannot look away but are compelled to be drawn in. The art of photography works on so many levels and it is a mastery of all these levels that make up a great image. So that even the simplest of images can show such grace and beauty.

Yesterday the stress levels just escalated when I resumed the printing process again on the final images. I only have 6 images to finish on the portfolio series and for some reason the software stopped communication with the printer so I could no longer make adjustments. It was like the control panels had completely disappeared. I then had to take an already busy day and begin to deal with trying to figure it out. I am still not sure if I have solved it, but I am going to use another software program to see if I can try another approach. In the old days there was nothing to impede your progress, except time, the process was so simple, shine a light through a piece of emulsion (film) on a piece of paper and put in a bath of chemicals and the image would magically emerge. Well I guess no electricity could stop that process but unlike a software issue where there are so many unknown variables, is it the printer, the computer, the software, why does it work one moment and not the next on the exact same image? And then if you have to call tech support another hour is gone and soon the day it shot. And in the middle of it all I realize I have not actually shot a new image of naked man in almost three weeks since this whole process of Kickstarter began. I am beginning to realize that I am more of a creative person and thrive when I am in the creative process. Though all this is a creative way to promote your self, it is not where the heart of my real talents lie. It’s getting back to the core of what I do best with less distraction. I think it is time to find a young apprentice who can help and handle some of the technical aspects of my process.

Today’s image is of Chad. He was the cable guy I asked if I could photograph. Wasn’t planning on doing the full monty, but when he saw this Naked Man project that’s exactly where he wanted to take it. It seems somehow as the Project progresses the more the models are excited about taking it all the way. They want to see themselves naked, who am I to disagree, right! You might be say, how can it get any better then this, but the real challenge is to create a context where both our worlds intersect. Getting to the true nature and core of who they are within the perceptions of my minds eye. I guess it would be the difference between porn and art; though many people disagree, there really is a difference. In my case it becomes a portrait of the inner self. I am actually in this picture with Chad. I am barely visible in the faint shadows behind him in the reflection. It was the only way I could make the image work. I am fascinated by mirrors and this was an exploration on the theme of Narcissus. I love the idea of what we see in the mirror is often contrary to the perceptions of who we actually are. When we look in the mirror we don’t see our selves fully, but we only see what we want to see. I still see myself as a 30 something man whose vitality is just beginning to reach his maturation. But in reality I am a recently turned 50 year old man, who has fallen a bit out of shape this year because he spends far to much time writing blogs and trying to connect to a world beyond himself and is beginning the see the lines of life work into his maturing face. Where the reality lies, is yet to be determined. My energy and ambition lies with the 30 year old. Many people when they meet me are surprised when they find out my age. Why does age seem to be such a barrier in our culture? You go on a gay cruise site and if you are not under 40 you are ignored and so everyone lies. Then when you actually meet someone, they are completely not what is represented on their profiles. In fact most men on gay dating sites are not what they represent at all. Why do we all want to become something than what we actually are? In truth none of us seem content with what we see in that mirror, and thanks to the internet, we become in a sense our own fantasy, add a few more inches and your world has just been perfected. My project has a different approach, it’s about stripping away and getting to the core of who you are and really seeing those sensational qualities we all possess. It doesn’t work for everyone, and the ones it doesn’t work for are still expecting to see themselves in a different light, so to speak. But it is a powerful process and I think well worth the exploration.

This is the 14th image in a series of 20. I am building a portfolio to take the existence of myself as an artist out in the world and see if it is worthy of submission. I still need some help getting this project off the ground. I am using the Kickstarter program to raise money to promote myself as an artist on this journey. We are now down to 8 days and $323 to go. I am getting down to the wire here. If I do not reach the pledged goal, I get nothing and this tremendous amount of work is for nothing. Pledges begin at $1 and we are now close enough that every dollar gets me within range of the final goal. It’s an all or nothing program. Thanks for you help and support.

Today I am a man on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Last night was a very sleepless night and I woke up not feeling very refreshed. It’s going to be another hot day. I should be elated today because the project has reached 50,000 visits since it began a mere seven months ago. Somehow this feels like this should be a major accomplishment. I have been obsessively printing the past couple of days and I lose focus on everything else around me. This is good I think. I have never been this focused on something so intently in my life. I have been ignoring all other things around me. It almost like my entire life has culminated in this moment of existence. So many things hang in the balance. Will the funding come through and this project find a destination? I still have doubts and fear that this is all still my own delusional fantasy, but I have managed to up the stakes and now have so many others involved on which I now must rely and it all seems to hang in a precarious balance. Friends have sent me amazing reviews of me, my passion, my vision, and there has been an awesome support so far on Kickstarter. I guess it’s all so unnerving coming down to the wire and soon the entire balance of what I am doing will be placed on my shoulders and be watched and possibly judged. I am really a simple man, compassionate, considerate, up front, and now terrified. Hence the need to print in such a compulsive manner. Yesterday, in the middle of all this the phone rang and it was UPS wanting me to come in early to cover someone on vacation. I thought it had been worked out so that I would have this time to remain focused. But I ended up going in anyway and it just shot a hole in the middle of my process. By the time I got there I was so buried in work that it took me 75 minutes to just get up to speed. I love my job, but when I have to cover someone else it can become a frantic mess. I came home after my 5 hours and jumped back into printing until it got so dark that I could no longer see what I was doing. I still have seven pieces to print. I can no longer juggle all that I have and it feels all the balls are beginning to hit the floor. I have neglected my beautiful garden outside and with this heat it is beginning to wither and everything around the house has been neglected. I have never been so focused, yet so unfocused at the same time if that makes any sense at all. I am having a hard time communicating with people, and certain levels of my comfort have been compromised.

My boyfriend must think me mad as he watches be spiral out of control. Last year I applied for a job that I was absolutely perfect for. Something I loved and desperately wanted to do. I put my entire soul into that process and thought for sure I would get the position. I even got down to the final interviews, but in the end it did not happen. I never knew what happened, but I figured it was for the better, as I moved on to this. I was devastated. The terror of putting oneself fully out there to only fall on your face is overwhelming, especially when you believe in it so desperately. In the end don’t the good guys always prevail? Perhaps I will leap and the net will no longer appear. Am I on the merge of my own creative self-inhalation? I keep forgetting we live in a precarious world where it is OK to be normal.

Today’s image is focused on the detail. I always shoot a series of close ups of my subjects looking for my perceived sense of balance. They don’t always work, but every once in a while something just jumps out at you and when you see it you know it works. This is one of those images, that I feel and not entirely sure why.