Today is the last day of January and I am one month into this project with eleven to go. Wow has it been a journey! I have to thank everyone for your incredible support along this process. I have heard from so many people who are very touched by this process and my experiences and perceptions. Today I just need to reflect. It feels like my world is spinning around so quickly and I am caught in it’s centrifugal force. It has grown far beyond my expectations. I felt like I hit a tipping point this weekend where some 250 people Sunday examined what I am doing on this project with a total of 2639 visitors and counting for a month? I am finding the key is networking and I have mostly been using Facebook for that connection. I had so many people sending me messages that I could hardly keep up with it because I want to chat with everyone. There are so many people from all the various aspects of my life that I have not heard from or seen in decades suddenly before me. It was a joy to communicate with so many people, but I spent the better part of Sunday just responding and reading profiles and reliving so many memories. The best part is I have five subjects lined up who want to work with me on images this week. In a sense I feel vibrant and alive with enthusiasm and the creativity is swelling deep within me. I was utterly exhausted by the end of the night when I crawled into bed and began to realize I need to begin to set some boundaries for myself. I can see where it would be easy to be swept away by the momentum of a site like Facebook. I need to find my center and begin to set priorities in order to achieve such an ambitions goal. I still have been keeping up with all my other work and shooting projects, but it is the creation of art and this writing that needs to become my anchor. Though I know the networking is a big part of the picture it really comes down to the process. This is where I started and this is where I need to keep my eye on the target, it’s about the connection to the subject and paramount the journey back into myself. This morning I also got back to my daily P90X workout routine which I have been missing for the past few weeks. It feels like life now becomes about time. I have always been an over achiever and a workaholic and don’t do anything small. It feels like life is too small and we must grab all that we can while it lasts, make every moment count and filled with meaning.

I am learning so much about myself through this process and am settling into a place of peace and contentment that I have never known. Especially to be forced to examine one’s body of images and know what joy and understanding it brings to so many people I have touched. To say “a picture is worth a thousand words” is not worthy of it’s praise, it’s beyond description, it is a historical record that we lived, loved, desired, and felt life so deeply. I see my senior portrait hanging in the living room every time I go home and remember that youth and contemplate how far I have journeyed since that last moment of innocence. Pictures are a record of how we lived our lives and the humanity from which we come. No wonder every one is addicted to taking so many images of their experiences.

My friend Chris Dade summed it up best so I am going to share a letter he sent me in regards to finding oneself as an artist: “With regards to the question I think with photography your personality is reflected in your work so it is something you are born with but also the more you explore it the more it evolves and develops. For me my art is about finding some truth or knowledge by recording it and thus understanding it. I use my camera like a diary to make sense of the world. I love nudes as they are so intimate and I think can real something really personal. I love intimacy, I think its inspiring, for me this type of honesty is my air! Most of my models are either friends or lovers and this is important in order to capture something intimate. And when I am successful in this I think it is something really special to share with the viewer.” Chris is a remarkable photographer and writer who cuts to the core of his existence by combing both image and extraordinary text. Chris lives in Brighton UK, is a Buddhist, traveler, philosopher and today’s inspiration for me to find my center again.

Growing up, for some reason, was extremely painful for me. I had great difficulty socializing with other kids my age and constantly felt isolated and lonely. I was gangly, awkward, prone to accident, highly sentimental, withdrawn, and was an ugly duckling. I have a brother Mark who is a year and a day younger then I. Mark is the exact opposite of me, he is the model of perfection: curly blond hair, piercing blue eyes and incredibly outgoing, funny, fearless, and incredibly handsome. People often mistook as twins when we were younger, because I was held back and had to repeat the 1st grade so we grew up together. We have always been the same build and often wore the same clothes. Our mother always dressed us a like when where were kids. I feel like I have always lived in Mark’s shadow. He seemed to be dad’s favorite and could do no wrong, they were always involved in activities together and Mark seemed naturally good at everything. Everything I touched seemed bad or wrong and usually ended in some kind of disaster. During those years my father was not overly patient and I become the stupid one. If we were working with tools I was always doing it wrong and would get yelled at telling me I was going to cut my hands off and just not to touch anything. I grew up with the greatest fear of power tools, which is funny because I love them today, and build the most remarkable studio space I am currently in. I learned early that I would not amount to much and growing up seemed like a hopeless endeavor. It caused me to retreat and become withdrawn. It seems that when you believe you are stupid, it breeds stupidity and becomes it’s own self-fulfilling prophecy. I must have been stupid I could not even make it though the 1st grade without Mark. I was terrified of so many things. Perhaps I was accident-prone and am reading too much into this, but I defiantly remember how painful it was to interact with anyone and so I would retreat into a book or something creative. Mark somehow had all the friends, he was athletic and did all the guy things well. Growing up in small towns and on a ranch there was not a lot of people to hang with and the few that were around somehow rallied around Mark and this often left me alone. One of the most devastating memories I have of grade school was in the 4th grade on the front steps of the steps of Alberton school, it was my birthday and a bunch of the kids come up to me and said they had a gift for me, and were acting like they were going to become my friends. For the first time I felt like I was noticed, they were talking nice to me and for once being kind. I remember being touched and my heart pounding that they were going to reward me with something special for my birthday. As soon as I let my guard down they pulled out milk cartons and gave them to me. When I opened them my heart sank because they were filled with left over scraps of food from lunch. Wow I am surprised I remember this and am still overwhelmed with those feelings of my heart breaking as I burst into tears as everyone laughed because they had duped the sensitive kid again. Perhaps I wore my emotions on my sleeve and was just an easy target, and everyone knew they could impact me. It pushed me deeper within myself. Yet I was highly creative and artistic. It was during this same time I built a slide projector a simple lamp in a wooden box, cut a circular hole cut in one end to hold an empty paper towel tube, and inserted a pocket magnifying glass my uncle had given me from his Radio Shack store in the end. I would then draw images on strips of paper I pasted together and spool them though the light on pop cycle sticks to create elaborate slide shows on the walls. It was clear I would do anything to escape into a world of my own. When you look at my images it is really me the little boy trying to emerge from the darkness.

I have since become best friends with my brother Mark and we are closer than ever. I now crave time together, which doesn’t happen near enough because we live so far apart and are both so busy. Now I bathe my brother in the extraordinary light of my artistry for him to live forever in my heart filled with fondness. Tennessee Williams best sums it up in the closing speech from The Glass Menagerie “…for time is the greatest distance between two places-”. To become artists we must face the obstacles we have persevered to overcome and bring our deepest fears into the light.

Last night when I arrived home after working at UPS, I was confronted with an email from “MAN ART”, the subject: “we may be taken down”  The mail read:  “To all MAN ART members – today I have received a message form the Ning admin that states in part “it has been brought to our attention that your Ning Network contains content that doesn’t comply with Section 14 of our Terms of Service which specifically prohibits posting content Ning determines constitutes pornography, contains nudity, or is adult in nature” and that we are to remove all nudity and material of an ‘adult nature’ by 5pm today.”  I was in engulfed by a mad panic  and my heart leapt up into my throat, where we about to lose all we had built on this site?

I had joined “MAN ART” last May at the request of my friend and member Bryan Spellman. He had encouraged me several times for several years to submit something,  I never followed up. We are long standing friends, from the early 80’s and had been members of a pioneer gay group called “OUT IN MONTANA”.  He had seen a lot of my images being used in people’s profiles on a site called Manhunt. I mostly recruited models to do lighting tests in exchange for images, they would give some time allowing me to develop and experiment with them on new lighting concepts. I really didn’t think my stuff was very good, but I was developing a following of people who recognized my images and Bryan was one of them, so he kept pushing me to put something up on this MAN ART site.  Finally in May, I decided it was time to put myself out there. I had just been turned down for a job I really wanted as the Production Manager for the Drama/Dance Department at the University of Montana and was emotionally devastated when I realized I had not gotten. I figured I might as well put some images out there since I was at an all time low and nothing to loose just see what kind of response I might get. I painfully chose 8 images and submitted. Needless to say the response was astonishing, beyond what I ever imagined. People on the site fell in love with my images and what I created. I suddenly had fallen into a collective of other artists who created and did what I did; artists who respected and understood me. I was able to express my thoughts, ideas, emotions, anxieties, and joy. I instantly began to communicate with photographers from all over the world, who understood my creative desire and passion. All dealing with so many of the same creative issues: many not being able to find models to work with, lack space, lack of materials, lack of self-esteem. There were so many talented people who had so many different approaches to the same theme or topic. It truly is one of the greatest artist collectives dealing with homoerotic imagery ever conceived. Their mission was simple: “MAN ART is a site for men who create artwork for other men – generally with gay male themes. Work here may reflect, represent and interpret masculinity; male same-sex attraction; male identity; culture; behavior; ideology; thought; sexual orientation etc.” It was a free membership without advertising and would only feature the artists themselves. To be uncensored and unedited for the sole purpose of free expression. It has been one of the greatest influences on me, as an artist, and my own personal growth. It has given me confidence in myself and allowed me to face my anxieties collectively and has ultimately led me to this project I embark on this year, The Naked Man Project.

So last night was a frenzied fevered race into the wee hours of morning trying to archive and save all my correspondences and writings I had over the year with so many who have helped me along this path. My personal record of growth and maturity as an artist were in peril of being lost, because it was stored within the structure of their server which could go down at any time.  I had to cut and paste hundreds of emails and journals to my hard drive to preserve that I had experienced in my association with the website.   A record of one of the finest years in my life with the greatest growth and eventual transformation of myself as an artist in which I was allowed to emerge and express how I uniquely saw the world. Many of those writings will become issues I explore in The Naked Man Project though this upcoming year. I was going to wait until my one-year anniversary to bring it up in this blog but with the possible passing of it’s existence now is time to strike because it is not for all audiences. Some of it is graphic in nature, and yes some of it even I would term pornographic, but there is also strokes of brilliance beyond imagination. It is the greatest site of self expression I have ever experienced.  And yes many of these artists are also linked through Red Bubble, but this was the sight were we could show ourselves at our rawest level and test theories and ideas that may never emerge for general public consumption but where we can live and dwell with each other. When was over joyed this morning when I awoke to see the site was still up.  Something uniquely valuable will be lost if it is not allowed to survive. John Douglas and Strykermeyer I hope you win your battle to ensure its survival. In case it doesn’t to all my great friends a colleagues thanks for all your support of me and your constant encouragement to bring me to where I am today.

This site is not for everyone and often features images of graphic and mature nature. Be warned if it is still up and you are interested in checking it out.  “Toto, we are no longer in Kansas anymore.”

Light is the most essential quality of our sustainable existence as human beings. There is such power and mystery in light. One of the reasons I was drawn to theater was because I loved light. It begins in a dark place and transforms the space into a beautiful illusion, drawing focus to what is important. It takes us on a journey though story, character, and time. So many people take for granted the properties of light and how it impacts us socially, emotionally, and psychologically. Natural light changes color throughout the course of the day, becoming its harshest and coolest at its zenith and romantic and warm as the sun sets in the evening. Technically light is measured by color temperature, which as a quick summery, is defined and cataloged as a gradation from warm to cool tones; a candle being at the bottom and the warmest. Photography is a medium developed and based on the premise that it is a tool to record light; the reflectance of light off of images to be more precise. Darker images absorb and reflect less light, while lighter images become more reflective.

When I first began working with photography, I used to take my camera out to a location I loved and would go back to it several times through out the day to create a visual record of the color shift. It fascinated me to no end, but I had no control over what I was getting. Sure I knew what times of the day I was drawn to and could aim for shooting at the time of day, but that wasn’t fool proof either as cloud, fog, and atmospheric pressure could change and have a direct impact on the outcome. As I began to develop my craft I began to collect equipment slowly as I could afford it. I eventually found a studio and began to work in an environment in which I had absolute control. It was the studio where I learned to craft an image and my artistry grew. I recently was able to design my own studio, and it was completely engineered around the use of natural light and how it changes throughout the day. There are so many properties to studio light being broken between a strobe and incandescent (light bulbs). It becomes a process of again studying the light and channeling it to suite my desire.

No two subjects are alike and everyone lights differently. The process becomes a detailed study of the person I am creating images of. I love to talk to them and figure out what their personality dictates and begin to build the light around them. It is heightened to match their emotional state, to hide their insecurities in its shadows, and bring to light their natural beauty. It’s a process of discovery and exploration. There are no wrong or right answers. It becomes a blending of self and subject and merging into one. The way to learn photography is to pay attention, study how others have done it before you, and look at how the greatest of artists have recorded it. My lighting style changes according to what influences me at the time. Sometimes I will pick up a magazine or be browsing the web and an image will scream out to me. I will become absorbed in its properties and deconstruct its powers over me. Sometimes it’s a line, sometimes a texture, sometimes a mood, color or tone. I will become obsessed with its properties and it will become the theme for my next study. It’s important for you to understand this fundamental because as I begin to work though my images on here, I will discuss my relationship to subject light and creation without having to go into this sort of background.

Here is are examples of the same subject in the various light sources. The top was taken with studio strobes, the middle with standard incandescent, shower and bathroom lights, and the bottom was natural light from the window.

Why are we so afraid to face who we are and recognize the talents we are given? This morning I was chatting with a kid on Facebook who I sensed has the potential to become something extraordinary. I could see it in his Facebook images as I scrolled through them and chatted and hear could hear it in the tone of his dialogue. It really got me thinking about how so much of our talents are lost by such a lack of self-esteem. I believe there is something remarkable in all of us, whether we can see it for our selves or just remains buried deep inside. So many people completely deny and say up front “I am not talented, I am not worthy of being creative.” I think all of us have some inkling deep inside that yearns to do something extraordinary. Everyone says “I am not photogenic.” Is it easier to put a wall up of self-denial then to actually face the potential of what might emerge? Why is there so much fear, doubt, anxiety, and insecurity when it comes to ourselves? Since the beginning of this project I have been connecting to so many artists that want to emerge but are held back by doubt. Why? When we ourselves are creation, doesn’t this mean that we were meant to be creative?

Him: “Well you have a gift for it I wish I could be artistic somehow I try but doesn’t really work very well haha”
Me: “Nobody starts out good right out of the gate. You might be surprised what seems to emerge from just dabbling. I feel the same way about a lot of my own images and those are generally the strongest ones.”
Him: “maybe someday if I can build up the courage.”
Me: “It’s facing your fears and stepping into the creative.”
Then we talk about possible doing some image together”
Him: “what would I have to do?”
Me: “Not make faces, but just be your self. Be comfortable and explore where you are at this stage in your life.”
Him: “I would have such a hard time with that”
Me: “Photos become mirrors in which we can see ourselves.”
Him: “the guys you photograph are so hot”
Me: “Most of them were exactly like you, could not see themselves for who they are. Everyone comes in shy and insecure.”
Him: “Ya except I definitely wouldn’t want to get naked
haha”
Me: “I am about figuring out who they are and then light them to bring out what they have to offer.”
Him: “that’s really cool”
Me: “No, I don’t do just naked pictures.”
Him: “ya i know”
Me: “The Naked Man Project is a metaphor for me exposing myself.
My subjects take the images where they want to go and feel comfortable.”

Don’t worry I asked for permission to print what he said.