Followers of a Fool-Hearted Dream

I am a bit lost these last couple of weeks of this project. It’s that time of the year when in my mind I have already begun reflecting on the year. I keep asking myself have I accomplished what I set out to do in the beginning? What else needs to be said within the year of a man? I have put a lot of ideas and concepts out there, but have I really put out there who I really am? I end the year with less fear and doubt, but have I really done a job of painting a portrait of myself as an artist? Emotionally I feel further along then when I began to year. I am wrapped in a sense of peacefulness that I have wrestled with so many insecurities and have reached out to so many different people and have been moved by all the letters and others who have inspired me throughout this year. Has it advanced my career or established me as an artist? I am not sure, yet? I have a tendency to see greatness in everything even when there is none present. It’s my blessing and my curse to think every moment is filled with meaning. It’s the nature of who I have always been.

Somehow I thought this project would be easier, but so far has been more challenging then I bargained for. But I am astonished that I have managed to persevere and brought myself to the process most every day through out the year, perhaps sometimes not so interestingly, but other times astonishing myself by what has been revealed. I am not a writer, and have never written before. I always feared putting my thoughts out there. I am the most horrific speller and my use of syntax and grammar does not always make sense. But I have at least put the thoughts out there. I keep thinking I will end this year looking mighty foolish because of all my inadequacies. Oddly enough I am still not sure who follows my fool-hearted dreams but there has always been an audience present through out the process. I know to become an artist often means putting your self out there with little expectation. It must be done for the self. In many ways it still feels like photography is somewhat of an intangible art form. It still seems to have no value; the market is still over saturated. Putting my life on display has not really advanced me in my creation it’s just given me a better understanding of my process and somehow made me more comfortable with some of the choices I have made with my life. It’s also revealed some regrets, that I have waited this long to actually expose what’s been in my heart.

In many ways my images lack the sexual qualities of my youth and are now filled with a reflection of myself as if I am looking in from the outside. Youth is filled with a spontaneity that my images lack. I often see a sadness that is reflected in my work, and after this year of self-examination, ultimately my life has been lived in a desperate sadness. Is this truly the way I see myself? Does my life turn back to normal again, to be forgotten? Somehow it reminds me of life in theater, you work toward the creation of a show, breathing your life into the production, it is shared with the audience, but then the lights go down, the set is cleared, and the stage is left empty. Perhaps this is just the general quality of life. But I somehow feel this will prove to be one of the greatest years of my existence. My heart swells with delight to those who have been here and shared the journey. Thank you!

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