Back to a Point of Lost Innocence

I woke up this morning thinking about my cousin Kathy.  There were three families from that generation, and each had three children and she was the only girl amongst eight boys.  I always felt a particular kinship with her, perhaps because that unbeknownst gay genetic gene was always present and she had dolls and I could feel safe and at home in her room.  She was always the person I went to and confided all my secrets with as she did with me.  In a sense it always felt like we could share everything.  But most importantly she never judged me.  Though we all knew I was different, not being able to label it as such.   She always accepted that difference and helped me to nurture and hold on to a side of myself that always seemed hopeless.  I was taunted and teased by other boys because I was so odd.  I was very sensitive and shy with a big heart I wore on my sleeve.  Some how others seem to take advantage of this vulnerability, but Kathy was always there, close, comforting, pulling me out of the muddy mire.

Lately I feel I have been feeling a bit lost and have come back to this project to somehow reclaim myself.  As I begin to clean though the files I begin to see how much doubt and fear so much of my life was based on.  I have been looking for the champions who have helped me through those though times.  Kathy was truly one of the champions in my early life.  I owe so much of my creative ability to her.  She is truly the woman of my light.  She supported me unconditionally.  She gave me such courage to find and accept myself.  I somehow didn’t see, or had forgotten until I dreamed about her this morning.  Somehow it feels like my conciseness is beginning to make its way back to a point of lost innocence and my dreams lately have been about people I have forgotten.

The years have passed and Kathy’s and my life have moved in different directions, in different cities.  We now see each other at family outings once a year or so, and it feels like we are strangers.  The last time I really connected with Kathy was several years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer; it was a beautiful crisp spring morning.  She came to the garden I was planting, we sat in the gazebo, in the beautiful light that morning, and opened our hearts talking about all the things we had lost, and how we always seem to reclaim ourselves.   I realized this morning, that Kathy I have you let you know how much you are loved, adored and admired.  Thank you for all you have ever done for me.