Today is about reorganizing myself and coming up with a plan to move myself into something more marketable in the up coming months. The first month seemed to focus on getting this project up and going. The second month was building networks and creating a base of models to work on building on my concepts and theories and getting my style recognized. The third month until now I have been trying to figure out what I actually want to do and where it should actually go. But it feels the past 6 weeks have mostly been in a kind of Internet Rabbit Hole I have fallen and sort of got lost. Now that I have recognized that, it’s time to pull myself out and get focused. Now that spring has actually come to Montana and the world outside is coming to life I will be drawn to get projects and jobs done outside. A good chunk of my income comes from doing landscape design and garden work. It’s also part of my yearly equilibrium to maintain my physical and mental balance, to be out working in nature. I have decided to take two nights off from UPS this week to recharge and come up with a working plan.

I began this morning by sending Julian, my new web design guru, a message inviting him to dinner on Wednesday so we can get this web project underway. I then began working on the questionnaire about where I need to go and focus to bring answers to that meeting. This morning’s questions focus on defining a mission statement, assessing competition, and setting short-term goals. The mission statement was a breeze: “First I will strive to gain an insight and understand of my subjects. Then use all my skills, talents, and aesthetic sense of color, composition and craftsmanship of lighting to design and create a personally crafted image that reflects their physical and emotional lives: to make each subject a masterpiece of classical style and extraordinary beauty. Then to display, promote and sell my unique style of creation for the artistry it has becomes.” The assessing competition is going to take some work but the short-term goals seem obvious: “What I need immediately is a place where I can showcase my talents. Where potential customers and clients can find out more about me. A single place where everything is combined and contained so that I will spend less time in the actual process of business and people can have ready access to galleries, blogs, shopping carts, and the ability interact with me. To create a mail address with the same name and to brand myself as a name and or product. To also to have a place to be able to book and plan shoots. Right now I have my information across many different sights and people have to jump from one sight to another to actually see the images and get a complete picture of what I am doing. The images need to be protected and filtered against theft. It needs to be interactive to Facebook, Twitter and all the RSS feeds. I need it to completely become a splash of me, so that every time I post or do something people to be able to follow and keep up on my process and what I am currently working on. It’s time to put this entire modern media to the test and redefine the ways I can promote myself as an artist and craftsman and make my services available. My goal is to have this set up and functional by the mid- year point.”

My mind was abuzz as a whole business model began to take form. I felt an excitement build in my body to think I am finally on track. Other people do it all the time; it’s about time I make it happen. If I want to create I need to figure out how to make my style of creation sustainable. I need to be able to stand on my own. The process of building myself as an enterprise must become as creative as my process of creating beautiful imagery. There seem to be no easy answers or pathways. I am suddenly afire with the challenge.

Today is the 100th posting in the project and to be honest today I am exhausted. This project, though it is my breath of fresh air each day to work on, consumes so much of me. Some days I just want to disappear and not put anything out there. I have opened my life to so many to share my thoughts and perspective. It’s an odd process for sure, much easier to put it into a journal. Is this the true me or just my subconscious that has taken over and blurts out whatever comes to mind. In the beginning I intended to only write one little paragraph each day and show an image, but I can’t seem to express myself in so few words. I have recently been reading the poetry of various writers on Red Bubble and am in awe of how they can express such deep thought with so few words. I guess we each have our own style. In so many ways the with the last 100 days I have found a new place for myself, made amazing connections to everywhere in the world, shown my images, and grown as an artist. But the down side of the past 100 days is that I have lost a part of myself that I cannot quite seem to recover. Time to just be me, downtime without regret. Now looking back I feel I have lived most of my life from this perspective. It like my compulsion tells me I have to cram as much as I utterly can into those 1440 minutes of the day. It’s almost like I am in the water, about to go under, gasping as if this will become my final breath. Something deep within drives me telling me I have to fill it with meaning. So much has been lost around me. Most of my greatest friends are gone. Gilbert, one of my greatest inspirations who helped me get into photography, got a brain tumor the week he finally decided to retire and was gone 6 months later. Having cancer myself definitely brings it to light. Growing up as a gay kid during the incurable stages of age of HIV and AIDS, I saw so much of my community completely obliterated. The passing of my mother a couple years back at an early age. And then last year the passing of Joe, another great patron of my work. I feel and mourn all the loss so deeply in my heart. Do I fear my mortality coming to a close, possibly? But I feel I have faced so much death and loss that I am comfortable of that inevitable end. I guess this is what makes this time now so very precious. To explore, at this time in my life, what it all means. I don’t really look for fame or glory, but need to know all I have worked toward is worthwhile. That I have accomplished something meaningful for myself. I guess that it why I ache when I have down time and am compelled to get up and do something more. I do not know if it is a gift or a curse. Looking back it’s just the way I have always been. I know my time in life is transient, but I feel there is some greater purpose that I have not yet fulfilled. What it is I am still not sure? Many years ago, as I was traveling home, across Tennessee, I was caught in a terrible storm, of tornados, wind, rain and lighting. It was so bad and several people were killed during the storm. I too was struck by lighting. It completely disabled the van I was driving and I was left with that taste of electrical discharge in my mouth as every hair on my body stood on end. There has to be some significance in being struck by lighting, to know that force and power, gives me confidence that I am destined to fulfill some higher purpose. I have always marveled at Michelangelo’s painting of creating in the Sistine Chapel where god and man’s fingers are extended toward each other and humanity is given to spark of life.

It’s been many sleepless nights and my internal balance feels like it has fallen out of sync. I have lots of ideas that keep churning in my head and it all seems to turn on the moment I lie down to sleep. As I begin to define the dream, it becomes clear where I need to go with it all. It’s still astonishes me the amount of people that are giving me encouragement and positive feed back on my images. I feel the images themselves are beginning to evolve; each new shoot brings me closer to realizing my style. The disadvantage is that I can barely keep up with the process. I am also hitting the time of the year that now things are warming up outside I need to take care of things that have been neglected around the studio. The yard needs to get cleaned up and I am being pulled back by the trivial day-to-day life details. This puts me behind in the photo work. At this point I wish I could just afford to create and work on the imagery all day and night. I am currently about 6 photo shoots behind in processing and working up the images. I was hoping to spend this weekend working through it but I am trying to seal the basement that has had a leakage problem every year we divert the creek to the stream behind the property. I am committed to making the first cut on all those sets of images before the end of the day. I want to begin showing them to the models on Monday. Then the imbalance from lack of sleep at night and sleeping in most of the morning seems to have killed my regular rhythm. I still can’t quite figure out if this is a good sign or not. Or perhaps I just have too many things going at once and somehow need to find my focus. Perhaps I just want things to happen too quickly now that I see where I want it to go. Although Facebook is a big tool, it’s a big distraction and I can feel that I was consumed by something and lost a good portion of my time. I am also trying to network several different artist sites at once. It all seems to be happening so quickly here; I love where it’s going. I love that I am creating something I love again. They put these inspirational sayings all around the UPS center. This months was “There are 1440 minutes in the day, find the time to take at least 15 minutes for yourself.” I have been thinking about it all week. Though I am busy and consumed by all the hubbub, most of my day and now waking night is for myself. Perhaps it’s time I stop whining about it and just breath into it and relish all 1440 minutes of that day. In many ways I feel so lucky to actually connect with and follow my passion when so few get to follow their dreams.

It is time for me to reorganize and get to the core of what it is I am doing here. I met with a guy yesterday who has agreed to help me pull all that I am doing together into a common web address. Where I can continue this blog without fear of being shut down, can create galleries of my imagery, and best of all make my service available and be able to market some of my imagery. We met for about three hours and the first step is to recognize and define the objective of what it is I really want to achieve. I had an old questionnaire that helps to focus the direction of someone in the design process. So here is the first question and what I have come up with:

1. Describe your company and the industry you are involved in. How does your company differ from others in the industry? What are your major concerns in your business & the industry?

I am a photographer who has a special talent for creating extraordinary light and beautiful exposures. I like to get to know my clients personally and create an image that captures the essence of where and who they are both physically & emotionally. It becomes a highly personalized process of tapping into the raw sexual/sensual nature of the person and designing photography that best exemplify their true nature. I view my work as art and the images become specifically crafted for each subject. I think one thing that sets me apart from other photographers is my use of light and attention to detail. I do not have any preset formula that I work from so each setting is unique and highly personal. One of my major concerns of the industry is that the craftsmanship of photography is beginning to disappear and there is no longer a need for people with exceptional skills for such creative endeavors. With the advent of the modern digital cameras anyone can get a good picture in a fully automated mode with little skill, talent, or training. I create art that is intimate, seductive, sensual and alluring. I take ordinary subjects and bring out the extraordinary quality of who they are. I craft a lot of my images on the styles of classic painters creating great balance though line, movement, texture, composition, and most significantly light. I feel that I am redefining the way people look at homoerotic art. I believe it should give us a healthier examination of ourselves during an era in which we are all being thrust away from unique individuality and are becoming automatons toward a defined commercial collective. Love, desire, touch, embrace, acceptance, and sex are some of the strongest emotional connections we feel in our lives. It seems so much of the erotic art has moved away from feelings and only wants to tap into our desire to lust and has lost it’s power to elevate us to a new height when it now seems to focus solely on sticking the wanker out there just to show it off. I believe male erotic art has a transformative power that can restore dignity and humanity in the male nude figure. To captivate, to draw us nearer to the truth of what we all seek within ourselves. It needs to restore the romanticism to humanity. We live in an era of quick digital instant gratification. The art of communication and to explore of oneself is becoming lost. It has become far too easy for us to hook up, and get off, and move on without ever knowing the person we are engaging with. To me this devalues our ability to examine and appreciate the extraordinary beauty of what stands before us. The presence of the naked man, stripped away, in front of us, in romantic form, imbued with the expressionism of the soul is ever magnificent to behold. It stirs our imagination and reminds us of how wondrous and precious life has become. For imagery becomes the mirror of who we are at this moment in our lives, it reflects how we perceive ourselves in our culture. Everyone I talk to old and young desires some romantic connection in their heart. I want to redefine that perception and give them a new tangible role model in which to dream, desire and ultimately follow their passion. For me, everyone holds some intrinsic beauty, but so many are completely unaware of it and can not recognize it within them selves. They only see the reflection of themselves in the modern commercial media which they begin to emulate. We do not all fit that mold and to many it becomes envy and a means of self-consciousness that fill us with insecurity and doubt. I know I have fought it most of my life. Are we socially acceptable if we do not conform to that established model of perfection? For the most part the gay community seems to be a culture of self-loathing. It’s about time to recognize this reality and step up to the plate and redefine ourselves as a new stronger healthier culture.

I cannot sleep and my head is spinning; not in the Linda Blair fashion, but in my mind. This evening as I was going to bed I thought I would pop onto this blog project and see how things went for the day. I was utterly floored by a comment by Alison Elizabeth Lister left on yesterday’s post The Taxman Cometh:

“Hey Terry,
All this talk of following your dreams … I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis almost 3 years ago, when my kids were 4 and 18 months. My hands stopped working properly and I had numbness and tingling everywhere below my neck. I had already quit my job to by a stay-at-home mom, so no disability insurance. I am on medication now and my hands are better but I experience a lot of fatigue. I don’t think it would be a good idea to have a full time job outside the home. So, I am pursuing my dream of being a writer and hoping that it provides enough income eventually to supplement my husband’s enough that I don’t need to get another job. So, having MS is not the greatest thing, but it definitely made me brave enough to pursue something I might have been to timid to pursue otherwise.
Cheers,
Alison Elizabeth Lister”

It took my breath away and brought a tear to my eye when I read this comment. I just stood there stunned for a few moments. I am blown away by how strong of a bond I am beginning to form with others out there connecting to this project. I have been talking to Alison for the past couple of days. She is a writer who was interested in using one of my images as cover art for a book project she is currently working on. The notion really intrigued me so I was open to the possibility. I visited her website and read a sampling of her stories. One in particular called “Exposure” about a male photographer having a romantic encounter with a young male model he was working with in his studio. I directed Alison toward my online portfolio on Red Bubble so she could see if there were any images that might work for her. I also suggested if she found a particular model there she liked that perhaps I could create something that was more specific to her story. She has been looking at my images for the past couple of days now; reading and commenting on the images and these blog posts on Facebook. I feel that I have begun to develop a sense of whom she is.

I suddenly realized that my simple ramblings are having an impact on others connecting to my stories. For Alison to be so bold and honest about her own situation and put herself out here like this. I hear lots of comments from many people and their reactions to what this project means to them. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this type of format, those comments tend to get lost because they are posted in past blogs. Since many people follow the project day to day, they do not see all the amazing ways people relate to it because they don’t tend to go back to previous posts. I have been getting a sense that this project has grown beyond me. I am humbled and honored that so many relate to me so deeply. I strongly encourage people to comment into the blog so it becomes part of the significance of what is happening here. I am still not sure where it is all headed or what it will become, but I am beginning to feel its impact on so many others.