I am reminded this morning of the character, Alec Scudder, from the EM Forester novel Maurice as I was writing the bio for one of my models, Lucas, for the new website. The novel was written in 1913 but not published until after Forester’s death in 1971. It’s the tale of homosexual love in early 20th Century England and follows a man, of some means, in Victorian times who falls in love with a young games keeper named Alec Scudder, who happens to climb into his window one night to fill a desire he only dare dreamed about. The book was then turned into a very remarkable film in 1987 by the team of Merchant-Ivory, with a very remarkable cast of actors including James Wilby, Hugh Grant and Rupert Graves as sexually alluring young Scudder. I remember this movie leaving quite an impression on me at the time I had seen it. I had been through my first relationship, which had left me utterly devastated and was trying to figure out my life. I had moved back to Montana after a year in Dallas, working road construction with my father. Though I had the desire to still be with men, I was not really sure it was quite where I belonged. I dated some women, and found sex with them mind-boggling fantastic, but I still had this erotic attraction toward the naked male and for about a year or so I lived in a strange world of duality of confusion and perplexity. Then I saw the movie Maurice and it suddenly brought into sharp focus for me that struggle I had been dealing with. Maurice is the central character of the story, who deals with his own struggle, trying to ignore his hidden and forbidden desire for male love. At one point he goes to a doctor who tries to banish the desires from his mind through hypnosis. But it is something he can’t completely ignore. Then one night the young ruffian Scudder climbs through his bedroom window to ignite that passion. They make love and the rest of the story is about them trying to reconcile their social difference what to do about the Pandora’s Box they have just opened.
The image of Alec Scudder was what played most heavy on my mind. In a sense I instantly recognized myself within this character. I, being a bit of a bohemian ruffian myself, came from small family cattle ranch in Montana, not surviving well in the city. I was not very well educated and had to drop out of college because I found it too challenging and had nearly failed my first year. But I was sexually possessed by my seemingly uncontrollable raw desire. I really had no means and though I worked construction still seem to drift without really being able to settle any particular place. The image of crawling through a wealthy man’s window and finding desire was quite romantic and appealing as I began to question if someone would actually love me for just being myself. I felt out of context, as if I had no place where I really seemed to belong.

When I first met Ian, he reminded me of all this, it was like stepping back to revisit a reflection in the mirror of what I had once been. I was immediately drawn to him as my dark past flickered in my memory and I instantly knew I had to capture the essence of those feelings of my youth. I had access to an opulently furnished Victorian house for which I had been the grounds keeper, so I took him into that environment. Though it wasn’t his sort of place, he just naturally fit. We spent an entire day shooting nudes of him with just the natural light from the window, every image becoming a precious moment locked in time that defied both of us, exploring the erotic world of Alec Scudder.

I have managed to stick to my vow of no computer all weekend. I did let it slip for a moment last night, when I was looking for the price on some Gladiator Alliums for the garden. These are those giant flowers that grow in the spring from a bulb that have a large single globe shaped purple flower that last for months. I have about ten already in this bed, but want to extend more into the bed as it has expanded. Locally they are about $6.00 per bulb. I have always been a frivolous gardener and take clumps from others and tend to create my gardens as cheap as possible and I need about ten more to have an impact. I typically buy plants only at a bargain out of season, like now when I can plant for cheap. I know plants so well that I can see the vision of what they will become for the years to come and don’t really care what they look like in the clump formations. In the past I have always gardened for others so it’s a pure delight that I have such an extraordinary place like my studio where I finally can create my own.

Yesterday turned out to be very beautiful, the sun came out after a week of rain and I got the little 3-foot test section of the fence together. Though it took me most of the day to create it turned out exactly the way I planned and took lots of cutting little pieces for the insets and running back and forth two blocks up to my friend Greg’s to use a table saw we mutually share to rip everything down to size. I love working with wood and the smell of freshly sawed cedar. I spent the evening planning for plants to fill in the bed, to compliment what I already have there. Most of it I will transplant from the garden next door, but will have to wait until spring to add some boxwood to give it some color and shape all year long.

It is the most extraordinary fall morning, but unfortunately I have to go out the Superior for a family funeral that will take most of the day.

My goal is to take the weekend off and have a computer free weekend, except for posting the blog. So today will be light. I have been trying to schedule a weekend with nothing for a month now and this is it. I just need to clear my head and get out and work in my garden. My nephew is coming to spend the day with me and help me get the garden cleaned out before all the leaves begin to fall. It is not raining this morning and it has turned cold outside, perhaps bypassing fall all together. I also got the materials yesterday to begin working on the deer fence in the front. I love to build things, and I have a very cool design idea for this fence so today I will be in heaven doing the things I love most. It is still a good time to get out and transplant ferns and hearty root based perennials. Yipeee!!! It’s time to put on my old rugged Carhart work pants, a wool sweater and boots on and head outside for a different kind of creation this morning. Today is about taking that breath and gaining a fresh perspective. But you still get to see your naked man image of the day.